Editing Goanna Hoyle's Match Reports (section)

==Pioneer's Cup==
Ah too right I saw the match lad – what a spectacle.  The game certainly lived up to the hype.  It had everything and then some.  My only criticism is that the match can’t be played as a weekly fixture – or at half time in each and every buce match – now that would get the crowds frisky.  

 

No laddie, I didn’t think the opening quarter was slow.  It was an arm wrestle – a good old fashioned softening up – a reaching into the shorts of your opponent and feeling where they lay on the political spectrum.  The challengers didn’t have a lot of time in camp prior to the match but you could tell they had emerged a tight unit.  It was clear that the pace and brutality of the match was on from the start.  First hairline crack in the challengers armour occurred when cement Cowen was taken out with a torn calf muscle.  The medicab had barely cleared the arena and Cowen knew that he had done his job.  The Challengers clearly had the self belief needed to topple the star studded Originals.  It surprised no-one when Nick ‘always up for a challenge’ Allan leapt into the challengers line-up, polyfilled the crack left by Cement and was immediately threatening the Originals’ bin. 

 

Yeah just another minute or so on your erector spinae laddie – feels like you have been sleeping on a spiral staircase.  What’s that – the Challenges were leading three to two.  Well of course they were lad, they were playing smarter buce.  They lacked the height, the experience, the skill, the luck, and the substitutes but they had clear minds and they had four hearts beating as one.  Cement’s earlier attempt at a double buce had sailed centimetres long and the warning had sounded.  I had a moment laddie, when the buce was in the air, the scorer was reaching for his 2B, and at that moment the doors to the Customs House Bar on the Hill were closed.  This had blocked the strong headwind that Cement had obviously allowed for and thus the buce drifted long.  Reminded me of the 1980 Moscow Olympics when the Latvian javelin thrower, Dainis Kula, was making his final attempt.  I was sitting trackside and a rush of wind came as the giant doors of the stadium were opened to allow the tail wind through for Kula.  Kula made a record throw and went on to claim the gold and the cold war tensions rose another notch.  The challenges had turned up to play and they would take their half chances wherever and whenever they could. 

 

Turning point you ask.  Well laddie, the game had more twists and turns than a Chilean roller coaster.  Turning Point could have been the buce being deliberately wedged in a tree by desperate Originals players or Jackson ‘bugger the family in Melbourne – I’m needed in Newie’ Clarke jamming his foot in the defensive bin and then claiming that his foot ‘had not touched the ground’ inside the forbidden square but no lad, it was neither of these things, the turning point was when The Originals finally realised that modern buce has evolved into a lightning fast man on man battle fought in the trenches where a handful of mud thrown in the enemies eyes was more valuable than any amount of GPS guided aerial cover.  Once the Originals ‘manned up’, starting turning over their hoards of subs, started racking frequent flyer points on the buce and started playing as a four man outfit rather than the five man formation they had learnt their craft on, it was all over.

 

Mid way through the second half the Challengers were running on memory and pride.  To a man they had given their all.  Flynn ‘Anabarek’ Comerford had not given up on his personal game plan of kicking the buce so hard the outer shell would shatter showering several fragments into the bin thus scoring multiple times with the one shot.  Tre ‘just do it’ Clifford had continued his signature move of blocking opponents feet with his face and surely must now be seen as the most talented player not to have marched through the doors of the double buce club.  Super sub Nick calmly took responsibility for himself and for sidelined Cement and played the game of both of their lives.

 

Right you are lad – just rest on your left side, I want to get at your obliquus externus.  Yes I think you are right my boy – the 2010 Pioneers cup was not lost by the Challengers, it was won by the Originals.  The Originals play in the last 20 minutes reminded me of being on tour with the Harlem Globetrotters in the seventies.  The Globetrotters won 12596 of their 12598 games over a 28 year period from 1962 to 1989.  As well as their superior athletic ability, they dazzled the crowd with trick moves, humour and innovative scoring routines.  Mr Aneasthasia Freeland had the grace and court presence of Wilt ‘the Stilt’ Chamberlain and shave Tim Murdoch’s head and he is a dead ringer for Curly Neal.  Yes lad it was great to see Ashley ‘never ever’ Everson, Alec ‘Kodak’ Forbes and Martin ‘Shaken not stirred’ Smith establish great combinations but when Charlie ‘Chazz’ Rogers and Guy ‘Jimmy’ Bevan were both on the court it was like watching Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy McElroy glide to glory in the 1976 winter Olympics.  The multiple combination pass and score live in my mind as ‘buce of glory’ laddie.

 

Play of the day you ask laddie?  Well it is a testament to the quality of the game, the closeness of the teams and the spirit of playing hard but fair that the play of the day goes to a member of the losing side.  When Tre ‘just do it’ Clifford gave Lewis ‘Mr Anaesthesia” freeland a back of the head headbut (Merewether Kiss) to the mouth, two of Lewis’ teeth embedded in Tre’s head.  Well a few plays lately Tre allowed the buce to hit Lewis teeth (still embedded in Tre’s head) and when the buce subsequently hit the deck, Tre correctly claimed that it was ‘off Lewis last’.  There is no denying this was a true buce moment and therefore a worthy winner of play of the day.

 

Right you are laddie – we’re done for today - go well and try to contain your excitement or you’ll be watching GF10 in a fortnight with more cream in your pants than a dairy farmers lawn bowls gala.  What’s that laddie, who do I fancy in the big one?  Well moving GF10 back a week to 28 March will suit the Clan’s simple high percentage execution style.  Don’t discount Blek who have scoring ability across their line up.  Gus ‘he’s not heavy’ Bevan will be hurting after being axed from the Challenges and if he can channel his raw emotion for goodness and not evil he will hurt the Clan.  Nick ‘great’ Scott holds the key to GF10 for mine.  If Scott can contain Chaz Rogers and the mercurial JC in midfield, Tre can weave his own midfield magic.  Hamish and Callam may struggle to get much game time as the Clan will be looking to out-tempo and outmuscle Team Blek.  This one will go down to the wire laddie – that’s for sure – the legendary Clan Fans will be a factor particularly against Team Blek who appear to be the ugliest team to ever contest a grand final.