Goanna Hoyle's Match Reports

Goanna Hoyle's reports of the 2010 Buce League matches can be found here.

Round 5: Toecutters vs Giants

Righto lad, lets start with you on your tummy.

Yes I saw the game. When Peter Patrick got his first touch – well – reminded me of the 1993 Ashes series. It was day two of the first test, Old Trafford pitch was flat and slow. Mike Gatting was the skipper of the Poms who were at full strength following the return of several top players recently suspended for touring South Africa during the Apartheid era. The Aussie skipper Alan ‘Grumpy’ Border tossed a young hirsute Shane Warne the ball. Warney delivered the ‘Ball of the Century’ which left Gatting’s off stump lying on the ground and Gatting looking like he had woken up at 5.00am in the men’s toilet with his underpants round his ankles and 20 cents in his hand. And just like Warney’s arrival changed test cricket forever, Peter Patrick has now changed Buce forever.

Bit sore there is it lad – I’ll go light for a minute then. Turning point of the game you ask – well – when Peter Patrick broke his ankle I knew the match had turned. See it – nah – I didn’t see it lad, but I certainly heard it. Just like Mayday 1994. A cocky Brazilian by the name of Ayrton Senna was leading the San Marino Grand Prix when he popped a front right steering bush. I was over the other side of the track so I didn’t see the bush go but I heard it and immediately knew what it was and what would happen. Senna was a three times world champion but at 315 clicks and no front right bush – the only place he was heading that day was the morgue. That Peter Patrick kid has got some ticker though – not only stayed on his feet but kept playing and inspired the Cutters onto a memorable victory.

Right lad – just pop over onto your back – play of the day? – well a no brainer really. Cream da la Cream’s match winner was poetry on ice. Reminded me of the Thrilla in Manilla. Ali and Smokin Joe Frazier were fighting for the third time and this was a heavyweight title bout. It was the Araneta Coliseum in Quezon City, Manilla, Philippines. I had only arrived a day before the 1 October 1975 fight and the streets were buzzing. Frazier was the title holder after Ali had been stripped of his title after refusing to join the armed forces in the Vietnam War six years earlier. Even though it was Frazier, himself, who had successfully petitioned Richard ‘Tricky Dicky’ Nixon (who had not yet been caught out on Watergate) for Ali’s right to even fight, Ali’s normal trash talking was in overdrive. Ali had successfully raised doubts about Frazier being an ‘Uncle Tom’ which was probably the most vile and racially hateful slur on a black man’s character that could ever be made. Ironically Frazier was the epitome of the poor black kid who was working cotton fields at the age of ten and it was in fact Ali who had had the easy life with opportunities Frazier and his 9 surviving siblings could only dream about. Many say that Ali wasn’t the better fighter, he may not have possessed the technical brilliance or the range of his opponent but Ali knew how to win. Just like the man who floated like a butterfly and stung like a bee on that balmy October evening in Manilla, Cream da la Cream strutted into the arena, boldly announced that he was the man and when Knuckles Rogers provided the serve, Cream de la Cream delivered the knockout point with a clinical savagery that stunned the crowd.

Any positives for the Giants? Certainly. The diminutive Guy Bevan was strong and at times even looked like doing something positive with the buce. The Giants are obviously missing Ricky (The Shade Maker) and many believe they will never recover. I don’t believe that for a second. The Giants need to rediscover the unpredictability that past legends like Dane McMahon-Squires provided for NSF (Dane didn’t even know what he was trying to do). The Giants play was far too uni-dimensional and predictable. Once Knuckles marked Tim Murdoch (aka the Phamtom – they seek him here, they seek him there, they seek him everywhere) out of the game, the Giants were a spent force - devoid of ideas and too inexperienced as a unit to adapt. What’s that – unlucky you say – bullshit! You make your own luck in the world of Buce. Was it unlucky when in 1999, Serena Williams was penalised a point in the quarter finals of the Australian Open and went on to lose the match when her show pony hair beads spilled onto the court – no, it was just desserts. Well when Guy’s panty liner slipped and he called a time out for ‘equipment failure’ thereby giving Peter Patrick a chance to realign his fractured foot and Drew ‘cement’ Cowen time to regain his breath, was that unlucky? No way. The only good thing to come out of that debacle was that the Giants are now in sponsorship talks with Carefree – makers of the new winged liners ‘for the protection and confidence you deserve’.

Righto lad your done – get your gear back on.

Yeah - see you next week – what’s that – yes my lad, I am looking forward to the Cutters round 5 clash against Snowflowers as well – now that should be a real bruising affair. It will be good to see Gordon ‘PoolCleaner” Patrick back and we’re bound to see some slick combinations from the Patrick twins. The Thin Blue Line should be back next week as well – now there is a selection dilemma that any decent Buce coach would pull a hammy for.

Round 6: Toecutters vs Scourge

Good to see you lad – now over onto your tummy

Yes I saw the game. More like a shame than a game. All the talk around the traps all week has been the Patrick twins and blow me down but Pete does a no show. I was as surprised as Michael Jackson’s chimpanzee when the autopsy revealed MJ karked it with drugs in his system. Pete was up the coast we heard – yeah right - more like some serious sibling rivalry that Jeff ‘hit man’Hardy and Matt ‘the meataxe’ Hardy would have been proud of when they faced off against each other in the WWE Summer Slam of 2006.

Neck a bit sore is it lad? I’ve had a few with the same problem this week. I put it down to lack of movement. The fans were watching and waiting for the infamous Toecutter rebound but the buce never made it out of their half. It was more one sided than Canada touching up Slavakia 18 nil in the women’s ice hockey last week.

Man of the match? Your joking aren’t you lad? Jackson Clarke had more touches than the entire Toecutter side and made more penetrations than Tiger Woods. Clarke was more dominant than Usain Bolt when he won the 2008 Olympic 100 in 9.69 seconds with enough time to ask a spectator for her number mid race. Bolt went on to add gold in the 200 and the relay. Time will tell if JC can repeat his dominance next week against The Giants who smacked a limp Hawke outfit.

Pop onto your back lad and I’ll give the pecs a pounding. No I wasn’t surprised that Theo had an impact – the thing that surprised me was that his impact was positive for his own side. The on field jousting between Theo and the Thin Blue Line was reminiscent of Chief Harrigan and Spud Carroll standing toe to toe throughout the early nineties NRL. Theo got the points last week but the Thin Blue Line has a memory as long as the ladies toilet queue at a Tom Jones concert.

Ah the referee lad – I told you I never speak ill of the man with the whistle. Does about as much good as putting ashtrays on a motorbike. All I’ll say is Cream da la Cream picked the wrong day to taunt whistleman Charlie Rogers though. Charlie was obviously having a bad hair day and he was in an ugly mood. Even Knuckles had the good grace to put up only token objections when the Scourge became so determined in their defence that rather than see the Toecutters score, Anabarek Comerford chose to kick the bucket away and out of the scoring square. Charlie awarded the penalty but none of the cutters knew about it. Probably just rewards for the Toecutters who played with as much vision as Stevie Wonder throughout the entire game.

What’s that lad - turning point of the game you ask – well – I’ve heard the punters say that it was 6.2 seconds into the second half when before most of the crowd had retaken their seats, JC slotted a buce to immediately double his own and therefore the Scourge’s half time advantage. Anyone who thinks the Cutters are finished when only 4 behind are a few sandwiches short of a picnic. No lad the turning point was definitely when The Anabarek intercepted a rocket from cement Cowen to the pool cleaner late in the first half. Had the pass got through, pool cleaner would have scored the elusive double buce and once the Cutters are in front they will never be beaten.

Sit up lad and I’ll stretch your calves – they feel as tight as a fishes arse. Positives from the game? Well the Scourge have found a way to neutralise Theo which will really worry a few opponents. And for the Toecutters. Well I don’t think they can play any worse and they still came within one straight shot from a draw.

Righto lad your done.

See you next week – yeah the Toecutters will definitely be out to do some damage against Snowflowers in round 6 but the match I am really looking forward to is the Scourge and Giants battle. Seeing JC and Tim ‘show me the money’ Murdoch square off should put some bums on seats. I reckon that dynamic duo are shorter favourites to win the 2010 funniest player and 2010 man of the series double than Phar Lap was in the 1933 Melbourne Cup.

Round 7: Toecutters vs Hawks

Ah yes lad – ‘tis beautiful weather and we have been treated to some beautiful buce – the Gods must have woken up with a boner this morning.

I’ll start with your deltoids so sitting up if you would. Yes thoroughly satisfied I was with all three matches. The intensity was definitely down for the snowflowers who seemed to play their grand final last week against the cutters. The Scourge are a slimy lot and if the gatekeeper’s out for a piddle, they’ll hurdle the turnstile and strut right in. Giants were brilliant in their practice match and stuck to their game plan perfectly. I loved the way Guy ‘can’t be as stupid as he looks’ Bevan completed the plan to lull the Clan into a false sense of security by slamming home an own buce late in the game. This is becoming a signature move for Bevan who just can’t stand to be off the scorers list. The Clan will now start popular favourites for SF1 but there’s plenty of buce to be played before the clan can suckle from the coveted silverware.

Too right lad – the cutters v Hawks match was always going to be the pick of the games and it didn’t disappoint. Knuckles Rogers was obviously not happy with the Toecutters structure in recent weeks and moved from the inverted diamond to a bold new triangular pattern. This only required three players so Knuckles held the pool cleaner and the thin blue line on the reserve bench and out of the media spotlight for the entire game. Knuckles had isolated Cement Cowen on a three day mind and body retreat and at the end of the first half I was reminded of the 1999 state of origin when the Blues side was decimated after horse riding and deep sea fishing mishaps during training camp. Cream da La Cream was also showing signs of a long hard summer and Knuckles was not only carrying the load in attack but was also leading with some targeted pressure marking in D. Sloppy cheap turnovers and some pinpoint aerial service from Fearless Furner and Nick ‘never far away’ Allan saw the Hawks limp to a three nil lead at the turn.

Just having a bit of trouble with a deep knot adjacent your left scapula – Have you been alternating hands when visiting Mrs Palmer and her five daughters like I told you lad? Well no wonder you’re all gnarly there then! Second half? Yeah that was a masterclass in cerebral buce lad – can’t argue with you there. Hawks didn’t play poorly. Leaping Michael ‘Air’ Read was typically strong above two metres and when Loony Leung came on he added some much needed pace. The Hawks were good enough to beat any side playing any regular round match but lad this was not just any round – this was the wooden spoon round. When the Toecutters finally started executing the ‘triangular strangle’ as Knuckles had called it, the Hawks did not respond. When the screws were turned the Hawks went to water. Daniel Carr provided the only wofts of resistence but he was swimming upstream against a tidal surge from the sewerage works. When the toecutters started the comeback it reminded me of the 2000 Olympics. I was sitting trackside at the 35 metre mark when the gun sounded for the 400m ladies final. It was a cool August afternoon at Homebush and Cathy Freeman had slipped on a green and gold hoodie for the race. When they turned the 200 Cathy was sixth. When they entered the straight she was fourth and when our little Cathy passed me the afterburners had kicked in and she was a mile in front and pulling away. The Toecutters got in front after some clever lateral play and once in front knuckles pulled out the iron bar and put a few finishing touches on a dying Hawk flock.

Righto lad, pop onto your tummy and I’ll do your lower deck. Turning point you ask lad? Well knuckles calm and resolute attitude at half time reminded me of John Daly in 1991. Big john hadn’t even made the starting line up for the US PGA and was ninth reserve. He drove through the night on spec and on the morning of day one was informed that the other 8 reserves had failed to even show up and that there was a late withdrawal and he was in. Daly borrowed the caddy of the late withdrawal and didn’t even have time for a practice round. Despite being tired, hangover, fat, unfit and in lousy form, Daly quaffed the leftover pizza from the 800km drive and played brilliantly and won the major easily.

Play of the day? Well there were many lad? For mine though it was an artistic moment when the momentum of the game shifted totally to the Toecutters. Cement was honouring the work of Julian Beaver and other modern masters by scrawling ‘serenity’ around the cutters defensive buce. Referee Rogers respectfully held up the restart of the game and the fans knew that despite ending there campaign three wins early, the toecutters were continuing to belt buce to a more enlightened plane.

I’ll just do your quads lad and then we’re done. The final series? Well I suspect Bevan will continue his strategy from the 2009 WBL and want to experiment in SF1 to guarantee the extra game before GF10 so that will see the Clan as first team through. Haven’t the ‘ClanFans’ been a force this year. High in quality as well as quantity and encompassing a broad age demographic that will certainly please the buce backroom brokers. SF2 is a tantalizing prospect. Blek and Scourge are both teams that all other teams love to hate. Most of the Scourge players even hate Scourge. I favour Scourge based on there overall balance. Even in round two when Blek won seven blot, Scourge were the more attractive team. That’s a fair point lad – not much of a compliment to say something is more attractive than a team with Callan Wrightson, Hamish Rogers and Jaxon Ireland. Well perhaps we can agree that Scourge were the least unattractive side in their round three loss. All that aside lad, as the Hawks have now hopefully learnt, regular round robin matches are one thing but when the big games are on, the big men stand tall.

Right you are laddie – we’re done for today - go well and I’ll see you next week.

Pioneer's Cup

Ah too right I saw the match lad – what a spectacle. The game certainly lived up to the hype. It had everything and then some. My only criticism is that the match can’t be played as a weekly fixture – or at half time in each and every buce match – now that would get the crowds frisky.

No laddie, I didn’t think the opening quarter was slow. It was an arm wrestle – a good old fashioned softening up – a reaching into the shorts of your opponent and feeling where they lay on the political spectrum. The challengers didn’t have a lot of time in camp prior to the match but you could tell they had emerged a tight unit. It was clear that the pace and brutality of the match was on from the start. First hairline crack in the challengers armour occurred when cement Cowen was taken out with a torn calf muscle. The medicab had barely cleared the arena and Cowen knew that he had done his job. The Challengers clearly had the self belief needed to topple the star studded Originals. It surprised no-one when Nick ‘always up for a challenge’ Allan leapt into the challengers line-up, polyfilled the crack left by Cement and was immediately threatening the Originals’ bin.

Yeah just another minute or so on your erector spinae laddie – feels like you have been sleeping on a spiral staircase. What’s that – the Challenges were leading three to two. Well of course they were lad, they were playing smarter buce. They lacked the height, the experience, the skill, the luck, and the substitutes but they had clear minds and they had four hearts beating as one. Cement’s earlier attempt at a double buce had sailed centimetres long and the warning had sounded. I had a moment laddie, when the buce was in the air, the scorer was reaching for his 2B, and at that moment the doors to the Customs House Bar on the Hill were closed. This had blocked the strong headwind that Cement had obviously allowed for and thus the buce drifted long. Reminded me of the 1980 Moscow Olympics when the Latvian javelin thrower, Dainis Kula, was making his final attempt. I was sitting trackside and a rush of wind came as the giant doors of the stadium were opened to allow the tail wind through for Kula. Kula made a record throw and went on to claim the gold and the cold war tensions rose another notch. The challenges had turned up to play and they would take their half chances wherever and whenever they could.

Turning point you ask. Well laddie, the game had more twists and turns than a Chilean roller coaster. Turning Point could have been the buce being deliberately wedged in a tree by desperate Originals players or Jackson ‘bugger the family in Melbourne – I’m needed in Newie’ Clarke jamming his foot in the defensive bin and then claiming that his foot ‘had not touched the ground’ inside the forbidden square but no lad, it was neither of these things, the turning point was when The Originals finally realised that modern buce has evolved into a lightning fast man on man battle fought in the trenches where a handful of mud thrown in the enemies eyes was more valuable than any amount of GPS guided aerial cover. Once the Originals ‘manned up’, starting turning over their hoards of subs, started racking frequent flyer points on the buce and started playing as a four man outfit rather than the five man formation they had learnt their craft on, it was all over.

Mid way through the second half the Challengers were running on memory and pride. To a man they had given their all. Flynn ‘Anabarek’ Comerford had not given up on his personal game plan of kicking the buce so hard the outer shell would shatter showering several fragments into the bin thus scoring multiple times with the one shot. Tre ‘just do it’ Clifford had continued his signature move of blocking opponents feet with his face and surely must now be seen as the most talented player not to have marched through the doors of the double buce club. Super sub Nick calmly took responsibility for himself and for sidelined Cement and played the game of both of their lives.

Right you are lad – just rest on your left side, I want to get at your obliquus externus. Yes I think you are right my boy – the 2010 Pioneers cup was not lost by the Challengers, it was won by the Originals. The Originals play in the last 20 minutes reminded me of being on tour with the Harlem Globetrotters in the seventies. The Globetrotters won 12596 of their 12598 games over a 28 year period from 1962 to 1989. As well as their superior athletic ability, they dazzled the crowd with trick moves, humour and innovative scoring routines. Mr Aneasthasia Freeland had the grace and court presence of Wilt ‘the Stilt’ Chamberlain and shave Tim Murdoch’s head and he is a dead ringer for Curly Neal. Yes lad it was great to see Ashley ‘never ever’ Everson, Alec ‘Kodak’ Forbes and Martin ‘Shaken not stirred’ Smith establish great combinations but when Charlie ‘Chazz’ Rogers and Guy ‘Jimmy’ Bevan were both on the court it was like watching Chazz Michael Michaels and Jimmy McElroy glide to glory in the 1976 winter Olympics. The multiple combination pass and score live in my mind as ‘buce of glory’ laddie.

Play of the day you ask laddie? Well it is a testament to the quality of the game, the closeness of the teams and the spirit of playing hard but fair that the play of the day goes to a member of the losing side. When Tre ‘just do it’ Clifford gave Lewis ‘Mr Anaesthesia” freeland a back of the head headbut (Merewether Kiss) to the mouth, two of Lewis’ teeth embedded in Tre’s head. Well a few plays lately Tre allowed the buce to hit Lewis teeth (still embedded in Tre’s head) and when the buce subsequently hit the deck, Tre correctly claimed that it was ‘off Lewis last’. There is no denying this was a true buce moment and therefore a worthy winner of play of the day.

Right you are laddie – we’re done for today - go well and try to contain your excitement or you’ll be watching GF10 in a fortnight with more cream in your pants than a dairy farmers lawn bowls gala. What’s that laddie, who do I fancy in the big one? Well moving GF10 back a week to 28 March will suit the Clan’s simple high percentage execution style. Don’t discount Blek who have scoring ability across their line up. Gus ‘he’s not heavy’ Bevan will be hurting after being axed from the Challenges and if he can channel his raw emotion for goodness and not evil he will hurt the Clan. Nick ‘great’ Scott holds the key to GF10 for mine. If Scott can contain Chaz Rogers and the mercurial JC in midfield, Tre can weave his own midfield magic. Hamish and Callam may struggle to get much game time as the Clan will be looking to out-tempo and outmuscle Team Blek. This one will go down to the wire laddie – that’s for sure – the legendary Clan Fans will be a factor particularly against Team Blek who appear to be the ugliest team to ever contest a grand final.