Head to Head with The Philosopher
Head to Head with The Philosopher is a review of the Toecutters' matches in the 2009 Winter Buce League, by The Philosopher.
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Round 1: Toecutters Vs Avalanches
As the clouds parted and the crowd gathered toecutters focussed on their prematch gameplan – how do we see and hear and smell the world around us – how do we ‘know’ the buce?
Most players uncritically suppose that physical objects around us are more or less as we perceive them to be, but there are problems with this commonsensical notion and have led many to question whether or not we observe the outside world directly. In their world we only have direct access to inner ‘ideas’, ‘impressions’ or in modern terms ‘sense data’. In 16 hundred and something John Locke suggested that human understanding was like a closet wholly shut from the light with only some little openings left, to let in external visible resemblances, or ideas of things without. The problem with Locke of course is that we may suppose that ideas that enter the closet are more or less faithful representations of things outside it, but in the end it is a matter of inference that these inner representations correspond closely to external objects (the buce) or in fact to anything at all. Our ideas, to which we have direct access to, form an impenetrable veil of perception between us and the outside world.
This then was the problem the toecutters faced when at quarter time we were surprised to not only be behind on the scoreboard but to find that we were not knowing the buce at all well. It was if our closet was closed to the buce and the opposition had what appeared to be an impenetrable veil themselves. We needed to rethink and quick.
In an inspiring speech by captain Keith (knuckles) Rogers, he made it clear that it is only by re-establishing a direct link between observer and external object that the veil can be torn. Toecutters knew that it was the unreliability of our perceptions that was standing between us and victory. We knew that we needed to accept that the external world existed separate to us – the buce existed when we were not playing. We realised that we needed to begin playing on Descantes ‘cartesian theatre’ where the mind is a stage on which ideas and perceptions are viewed by an inner observer – the immaterial soul. We knew that the height, strength, skills and general unattractiveness of our opponents was not only a product of certain physical attributes of our opponents but also of environmental conditions prevailing at the time – their skill was relative rather than absolute! Thus these properties of our opponents do not belong to our opponents as such and were beyond our opponents control – Knuckles had handed the toecutters the key to unlock the cupboard, tear down the veil and to begin to truly know the buce. Having cloaked our hitherto nakedness in the knowledge of the buce we were truly ready to begin. All that was now required was to put our opponents to the sword. In what can only be described as a heartless act of cruelty, the second quarter horn was blown and in a move that stunned the sizable crowd, Avalanche claimed victory under the pretence that the match was being played over two halves rather than four quarters. When the dust had settled the opponents had survived to run out fortunate winners six to nil.
Swallowing our obvious shock and disappointment and leaving much wiser than when we entered, the toecutters accepted the cold hand of fate and started to prepare for next week’s game – bring it on, bring it on..
Round 2: Toecutters vs Blek
The toe cutters line up already left exposed by problems with the thin blue line was savaged when front man and team captain, Knuckles Rogers, arrived dressed in desert boots, hoody and crutches. The quality of the toe cutter’s mettle was evident when foot soldier Gordon ‘the Pool Cleaner’ Patrick arrived via a day release program and Knuckles was wheeled into the arena and parked adjacent the bucket. If the toe cutters had learnt anything from the University of Avalanche, they had learnt that it was not enough to know the buce, they needed to know how they had come to know the buce.
How do we come to know things? Is it primarily through our use of reason that we acquire knowledge or does experience gained through our senses play the most significant role? These were the raw material with which the toe cutters were to forge the weaponry necessary for the battle ahead. Much of the history of Western philosophy has been coloured by the basic opposition between reason and experience as the foundational principle of knowledge. Rationalists such as Immanuel Kant (aka ‘the real pissant’) argued that there are certain concepts or categories of thought, such as substance and causation, which we cannot learn from the world but which we are required to use in order to make sense of it, that is the real pissant was arguing for an a priori as well as a posteriori notion of knowledge. Some propositions are analytic in that they do not give any more information than is already contained in the meaning of the terms involved. The truth of the statement ‘all wankers masturbate’ is apparent merely by virtue of understanding the meaning and relation of the words used. By contrast, the statement ‘all Blek players are wankers’ is synthetic as it brings together or synchronises different concepts and so provides significant information. To confirm the truth of the statement it is necessary to delve into the dirty and depraved behaviour and thinking of each and every one of the Blek players.
A necessary truth is one that could not be otherwise – it must be true in any circumstance, or in all possible worlds. A contingent truth is true but might not have been if things in the world had been different. The Blek players are young and shit in bed but rather than being absolute this truth was contingent upon how all other unattractive young men behaved. Perhaps the Blek players may not have been so shit in bed had they spent their earlier years practicing with other people rather than simply watching movies and having sex on their own.
On the face of it an analytic statement, if true, is necessarily so and is known a priori; and a synthetic proposition, if true, is contingently so and is known a posteriori. Rationalists and imperialists differ on many things but they do each agree that there is some basis (reason or experience) upon which our knowledge is founded – in that sense they are both foundationalists. An influential alternative to the foundationalists is coherentism, in which knowledge is seen as an interlocking mesh of beliefs, all the strands which support each other to form a coherent body or structure – albeit a structure without a single foundation. So there it was – the toe cutters had found the glue that would bind their individual efforts into a collective force. Rather than flounder and fumble aimlessly alone and independent, the toe cutters needed to support each others efforts – each seemingly unrelated movement and thought was now beginning to form a network – each supporting another and was supported by others. Glen ‘Connections’ Everson And Drew ‘The Postman’ Cowen did not need to get the perfect touch that would propel the buce into the goal - they merely needed to support the other’s efforts. In a blindingly simple move Connections simply placed his foot on the buce and at that precise moment The Postman ‘delivered’ the momentum to Connections’ foot and the buce was scored. It is now a matter of statistical interest that at some point prior to the toe cutters buce, Blek had badly misjudged a pass and ended up scoring a double buce. It has also been revealed that while the toe cutters defenders were attempting to hoist Knuckles back up to a vertical plane following a three metre fall onto exposed vertebrae, Blek dropped the buce into an undefended bucket and astoundingly claimed their second double buce. The final score will show a four – one win to Blek but the day will surely be remembered for one thing and one thing only. Sunday 17 May 2009 was the day the toe cutter scoring beast first drew breath and having now sucked on the teat of the buce, prepare for the feast to come.
Round three is coming – The Scourge - bring it on, bring it on.
Round 3: Scourge vs Toecutters
Moisture leaked from an incontinent sky. Play maker and self anointed brain of the Scouge, Theo Rogers, moved uneasily amid the nervous giggles from within his ranks. The toe cutters amassed from AA meetings, probation check ins, ‘done clinics and assorted safe houses. The absence of Knuckles Rogers from the pre match stare down had Theo’s normally highly sensitive sphincter dancing on oiled razor wire. Sun-Tsu’s advice ‘keep your friends close, and your enemies closer’ (400BC) had gnawed into Theo’s consciousness and was now wedged like a cork holding back his usual torrent of verbal diarrhoea.
Having woken from their slumber and gotten on the scoreboard last week against an extremely fortunate Blek outfit, the Toe Cutters celebrated their pedagogic state by pondering the mind-body problem.
For hundreds of years the march of science has swept all before it – all that is except the human mind. We are all immediately conscious of our consciousness – that we have thoughts, feelings, desires that are subjective and private to us – that we are actors at the centre of our own world and that we have a unique and personal perspective on it. In stark contrast science is triumphantly objective, open to scrutiny, eschewing the personal and the perspectival. So how are mental phenomena explicably in terms of, or inextricably related to, physical states and events in the body? Having come to not only know the buce, but to know how they know the buce, the toe cutters now needed to explore the relationship between mind and body.
Descarte’s refuge in the certainty of his own self led him to elevate the status of mind as a distinct entity – a mental substance whose only function was thinking and feeling. Everything else is matter or material substance, whose defining characteristic was having physical properties such as mass and shape and filling physical space. Ryle pilloried this substance dualism as the Dogma of the Ghost in the Machine where the immaterial mind or soul was somehow living within and pulling the levers of the material body. If mind and body were essentially different, how could they interact?
If substance dualism could not account for the obvious interaction going on between mind and body (Theo is annoying me so I raised my hand and hit him) then perhaps a monistic approach was required. Physicalism is essentially reductive in that it holds that mental phenomena can be analysed, fully and exhaustively, in purely physical terms. So when the Thin Blue Line struck a scouge player, it can easily be shown to be a physical correction in the sharp elevation in his corticosteroids, amines and neurotransmitter activity which occurred after hearing Theo’s annoying voice. Seen in this line it was Theo who should have been sin binned rather than the Thin Blue Line who was obviously the actual victim in the incident. While such explanations account for people’s negative response to seeing or hearing (or smelling for that matter) Theo, it fails to capture the essence of conscious experience, its subjective nature.
When in 1974 Thomas Nagle asked us to imagine what it is like to be a bat, he succinctly captured the essence of the discontent that many were feeling when trying to analyse the mind in purely physical terms. Although I could ‘imagine’ what it would be like to grow flaps under our arms and fly around at night catching insects in our mouth using sonar and sleeping all day upside down in a dark cave, this can only tell us what it would be like for me to be a bat and not what it would be like for the bat to be a bat. Nagle’s central point is that there is a subjective character of experience – something that it is to be a particular organism – something it is like ‘for’ the organism – that cannot be captured in reductive accounts.
Last week the toe cutters had found the glue to bind their individual efforts, this week the toe cutters knew that it was not enough to form a network with their fellow cutters, they needed to respect the unique perception that each of their team mates held. Passing the buce to a team mate in a way that would allow them to do what ‘you’ thought they should be doing with the buce was not the answer. The buce needed to be delivered so that the team mate could do what ‘they’ knew they needed to be doing. So there it was and as expected the scoreboard attendant was kept busy. Cememt to Pool Cleaner –double buce. Pool Cleaner to Cement – double buce. An incident late in the first half left the small but knowledgeable crowd bewildered. A sin binning of not only the wrong man but the wrong team outrageously reduced the cutters to three players and saw the scouge get a couple of lucky scores prior to the break. In a brilliant display of timing Knuckles arrived early in the second half. The vision of their fallen comrade out of his wheelchair focussed the cutters back to their pre match plan and within seconds it was the Pool Cleaner to Cream da la Cream onto Connections and the scores were flowing again. When knuckles tightened the laces on his dessert boots, rolled up the cuffs on his 501s and injected himself (onto the field – not self medicating) additional scores were inevitable and duly came. Mercifully for the scourge, ‘final play’ was called and the buce was soon lying symbolically flaccid at the feet of a spent Scouge defender only millimetres from yet another toe cutter score. The toe cutters stood proudly above their slain opponents and let cry the traditional marinading tones: We will play on any ground
Always hunt opponents down
Silver hair with a wise crack
Never give up the treasure sack
Running hot on amber juice
Always ready to score the buce
Round the front or out the back
With your life we’ll guard the sack
A sharp knife cuts clean
Uglier players never seen
Recruited from life’s gutters
We’re the buce toe cutters
TOE CUTTERS Round five is a bye for the cutters so two weeks to prepare for the Hawks – learn to fly sweet Hawks because soon you will have your wings trimmed by the cutters - bring it on, bring it on!
Round 5: Toe Cutters Vs Sunflowers
Match Report by The Philosopher
Seething due to a departure from the game plan last match against a clueless Scouge (‘sure we won the game easily but Theo was still walking at game end’), Toe Cutter front man Knuckles Rogers had made no secret to his charge about what was expected against the Sunflowers on the day of the Long weekend.
Due to a miscommunication (arguably related to a distant weekend of mescaline overload), Knuckles had actually said ‘the game against the Sunflowers on the Long day weekend’.
Not surprisingly, to a man the Cutters thought Knuckles had said ‘the game against the Sunflowers at the Long Bay weekend’ (when Knuckles spoke about opponents such as Sunflowers he tended to spit his words through clenched teeth).
Using the opportunity for a road trip and to catch up with past room mates and ‘known associates’, the Cutters all fronted up at Long Bay Correctional facility and were savagely disappointed (but not surprised given the sunflowers reputation), when the Sunflowers failed to show. When it was announced on Buce News that the game resulted in a forfeit, the Cutters accepted this as a fair result although small recompense.
In what can only be described as a sporting administration cock up of human tripod proportions, it subsequently became apparent that the forfeit had actually been awarded AGAINST the Toe Cutters and the amoral Sunflowers had simply and unashamedly accepted the points.
The only semblance of justice to emerge from the entire debacle is that Toe Cutters and Sunflowers are almost certain to meet in the Grand Final - Bring it on, bring it on!
Round 6: Toecutters vs Novice Strike Force
An uneasy murmur moved melodically amongst the packed corporate box. The ground level crowd of four, alarmingly lower than previous weeks, still outnumbered the entire Strike Force playing group. Unfortunately for the Force, the Toe Cutters had turned up ready to play and still stinging from last week’s highly controversial forfeit to a spineless and aptly uniformed Sunflower outfit.
When Darius was king of Persia, he summoned the Greeks who happened to be present in his court and asked them what they would take to eat the dead bodies of their fathers. They replied that they would not do it for any money in the world. Later, in the presence of the Greeks, Darius then asked some Indians of the tribe Calliatiae, who do in fact eat their parent’s dead bodies, what they would take to burn their dead father’s bodies. The Indians uttered a cry of horror and forbade Darius to ever mention such a dreadful thing again.
Who is right or wrong in questions of culture and traditions? As the relativists would have us accept, moral judgements should be treated as if they were aesthetic ones. If it is your belief then it is right for you.
In this vein then it can be said that the Strike Force performed true to their playing customs and their historical ways. The Toe Cutters were honoured to finally meet an opponent who played with principal and a commitment to their ideals. While each leg of the Strike Force trio gave their individual all, the relentless (and sometimes mind numbing) efforts of Dane to achieve the elusive Double Buce from deep behind his own defensive goal summed up the spirit and tactical uniqueness of the Force.
Viva la difference – top game boys – it was an honour for the Toe Cutters to kick your arses.
Final score was a bakers dozen over a duck egg.
The Cutters now have a training run against the Hawks and then a semi final hit out before the big one against Sunflowers on GF day. No one in the Toe Cutters camp is talking grudge match revenge in relation to their grand final ‘re-match’ against the Sunflowers but you can’t blame the disgruntled Buce fans for expecting to see a fairly lengthy and spirited softening up period when GF2 kicks off).
Bring it on – bring it on.
Round 7: Toecutters vs Hawks
Match Report by The Philosopher
The air hung heavy with the stench of rotting Blek. Triumphant Sunflowers swayed contemptuously amid the carnage. The blood letting of the curtain raiser had been a hors d’oevres for the crowd to nibble on, to get their gastric juices flowing in anticipation of the buce feast they were about to digest. The spectacle that had smothered the dying breath of a pneumonic Blek had clearly unsettled the Hawk whose ‘war cry’ was embarrassingly camouflaged by their unmistakable fear and faecal gas that even had Theo Rogers dry reaching.
Following last week’s honourable match – a true contest - against Strike Force, Knuckles Rogers had assembled the Toe Cutters and challenged them with the most fundamental and ubiquitous of all moral principles, the so called Golden Rule of morality – ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ was his taunt. While being forced to come to grips with this notion was as painful to the Cutters as listening to Charlie pontificate on why a buce rule change is not really a change at all, this is what Knuckles had required and this is what the Cutters would deliver.
In a pussy like attempt to appease public dignity, the match day referee delayed the start of the game to allow the mid afternoon nor-easter to provide some olfactory relief. The metaphoric jugs of ice water were thrown by a roadie whose hopes and dreams rested upon his ability to distribute the ice evenly across the radiating mosh pit while still retaining hold of the jug.
Once under way the game quickly deteriorated into handbags at 10 paces. Neither side willing to step close enough to hit for fear of being hit. By the time the first half ended, a paralysing silence had consumed the players. Could this be the same Toe Cutter outfit that in recent weeks had redefined what it meant to play buce? The same quartet that was filling corporate boxes and having hoteliers, tyre manufacturers and brothel operators excited again? What was happening?
Knuckles finally had the Cutters where he wanted them – finally had the Cutters ready to accept that buce was not a game played by individuals, but a team gig. When he pronounced that there is no I in Toe Cutters, he had once again allowed the Toe Cutters to focus on their task. And just as in 630 when Muhammad had said ‘hurt no one so that no one may hurt you’, the Toe Cutters knew that it was foolhardy to be paralysed by an illogical fear. The Hawks could not possibly hurt the Cutters in any way, it was simply illogical to think otherwise. The Toe Cutters began to see the Hawks for who they really were.
Knuckles reminded the toe Cutters that not so distant cousins of golden rule flouters – those who wish to do but are less happy to be done by – are free riders, whose aim is to enjoy the benefit of being done by without incurring the cost of doing. Workers who do not join a union but who benefit from a pay rise won by union action; countries that make no effort to reduce their carbon emission but benefit from collective international agreements to do so.
The Hawks were not behaving respectfully and were therefore not entitled to respect. There was no Strike Force like quality to be admired about the Hawks. For the Toe Cutters to fall on our own swords and thus allow the Hawks through to the semi-finals would be a cruel blow to the buce world. No – that would simply not do. It was time for the Toe Cutters to return to the only way to play buce – with honour and with courage.
Not surprisingly the second half was a bruising affair. The Toe Cutters piled on the scoring and dignity was restored. At one point the Hawks desperate to score a buce, attempted an own goal but unfortunately for them it was off their own serve so graciously disallowed.
Having now dispensed with the preliminary work, the Toe Cutters have now steeled themselves to warm up against Scourge in the semi final before moving through the finals and planting our flag on GF2 in such a way that no-one is left guessing.
Semi final against Scourge followed by the qualifying final - bring it on – bring it on.
Semi Finals
Toe Cutters Finals Campaign - Sunday 6 July 2009
It was a high quality mid July afternoon and the atmosphere was bursting with anticipation like the waiting room of a premature ejaculation anonymous meeting.
Semi final one saw the Sunflowers restore honour to a league that had teetered on the brink. Immediately the game was underway Sunflowers announced their intention to claim their chance to meet the Toe Cutters in the knock out final to be played later that day. Sunflowers were relentless in their pursuit of the much anticipated match up against the Toe Cutters and to their credit, Avalanche obliged by scoring the odd buce along the way. When the match finished the fans responded initially with an ovation and then sensibly sort sustenance ahead of what was overheard to be described as the game of the century.
Like the professionals that they are, Toe Cutters treated the now growing crowd to an entertaining semi-final against The Scourge. ‘Fresh’ from detox and rehab, Mark ‘Cream da la Cream’ Crameri strutted onto the arena and made an immediate impact. Seemingly immune to the taunts and the chorus of ‘suggestions’ from the now fed and watered and increasingly boisterous crowd, as well as from opponents, team mates and even the referee, Cream da la Cream marched to his own drum.
Buce news will no doubt report that The Scourge tried – who knows – they probably did. When the Scourge finally did score (come on boys – it has always been second hole from the back of the neck) and found themselves in front with just seconds remaining an uneasy calm weighed upon the city. Knuckles, who had until this point been ominously quiet, could now finally gather the Cutters and remind them of their responsibilities to the Buce world. Farting around as the Cutters had been doing was fun, sure. And yes everybody found it mildly amusing when the buce was repeatedly lobbed to Theo so that he could fiddle with it for a few seconds before finding himself embarrassingly spent early and with the buce fumbled and leaving a stain on the ground at his feet – but the Cutters had a job to do. It was now time to don balaclava and gloves, secure the motor and attend to business. The Toe Cutters nonchalantly glided down town and when the buce was offered to Glen ‘Logistics’ Everson, Logs calmly slotted it home. Need a job done boys – give logs the nod!
So there it was, Sunflowers had done the job in semi one and Toe Cutters had done the job in semi two.
The eagerly awaited final was upon us. Both sides knew that a win in GF2 next week would be hollow indeed unless they had earned the right to be there. There would be no favours asked for in this match and certainly none given for these were true men of buce and to a man they accepted their fate - to be the best, you need to beat the best.
The game started as expected with a protracted debate between Knuckles and referee Charlie Rogers. As with all such ‘exchanges’ each had claimed victory asserting that the other had blinked first. Sunflowers came out swinging and with a well executed planned move, Knuckles was blatantly kicked in the face. Along with the Machiavellian Sunflower foot, the confidence of the Toe Cutters soared as the Sunflowers were now clearly playing into the hands (and face) of the Toe Cutters. Interestingly the force of the kick impacted adjacent to Knuckles’ hippocampus. This seemed to dislodge some fatty acid build up and the resulting flooding of blood and serotonin had the effect on his limbic area not unlike an LSD flashback. While it did not seem to effect his play in any way, Knuckles retired to the bench to enjoy some neural Hendrix and sea pig adventures.
The fancy pants buce control of the Sunflowers certainly slowed the Cutter juggernaut and scoring was in points until Cream da la Cream opened his season scoring account by thumping home a buce to give the Cutters a well deserved lead.
Knuckles reminded the cutters that the moral high ground is surrounded by hills, and with hills come slopes. In popular debate over a wide range of political and social issues, no spectre is conjured up more often than the slippery slope. If you permit practice A (either innocuous or mildly objectionable), then it will lead eventually to practice Z (obnoxious and highly undesirable – often referred to as the Dawes position). Argument is focussed on practice A and energy is lost when practice B is subsequently proposed (it is hardly any different from the status quo of practice A so what is the fuss). The Toe Cutters knew they needed to prevent even the Camel’s nose from entering the tent, the Toe Cutters needed to close the flap completely to a flea infested and smelly Sunflower Dromedary.
Deep in the final period the scores were locked at four all. With the direct route to the goal blocked by a sea of legs, Logs and the Thin Blue Line orchestrated a move that would see the buce hit the ground early and roll into the target as one might be forced to exit a dwelling under a fast descending security grate. The play was duly executed and the crowd cheered in anticipation of a Cutter score. When Charlie removed the Tally Ho and managed to squeeze the paper between buce and target, he ruled a no score. Having been opened up by this refereeing jab, the crowd were seriously stunned by an uppercut delivered by Knuckles himself when Knuckles actually agreed with the referee’s decision.
The Toe Cutters now had one foot hovering over the slippery slope of self doubt. Thoughts of a draw and golden point extra time were knocking on the door distracting the Cutters from their task like the muffled whine of a distance but approaching siren. With just seconds remaining in the match the Sunflower skipper who had played extremely poorly for the entire match, was given the chance to redeem himself. Some loose marking from Cement Cowen was the rusty star picket needed to roll the drunken Cutters. Guy took a deep breath in, closed his eyes and struck out at the buce. A gust of wind caught the buce and propelled it toward the undefended goal. While the buce was still in the air ‘final play’ was called, and the stunned silence of the crowd allowed the thump of the buce hitting the bottom of the bucket to echo long and loud and etch into the hearts and minds of the chosen few who were there to lay witness to one of the greatest sporting moments ever.
Many had thought there was nothing to separate these two great prize fighters slugging it out blow for blow over 15 rounds – they were wrong.
The genius which is buce now stood naked and erect for all to admire. For in those dying seconds, the buce world had been shown that buce is not a plaything for the elite – far from it – buce is a seed of hope laying inside every child who has dared to dream. Whether endowed with grace or speed or size or skill or whether just a pimply kid with a poor fashion sense and dry hair like Guy, buce is a game for anyone who is prepared to stop whingeing about the pile of excrement they are surrounded by and are prepared to steal a shovel and start digging.
Both Avalanche and Sunflowers have now beaten the Toe Cutters and they can therefore claim a right to contest. GF2 is now truly a special event.
Bring it on – bring it on.